@primawesome What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
@djdarrellripley Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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@primawesome 
@a_simpl_man Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
@Lerky I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
@OkieGirl405 Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
@OFalafel Expect the unexporcupine.
@texasstalkermom You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
@david8hughes [at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
@VeganZebra Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
@SnarkyMommy78 “I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
@brettminor You learn something every day
