Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

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What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?


Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.


I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.


Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people


You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?


[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath


Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle


“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong