Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
#Caturday