@Trisarahjtops Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
@TheAndrewNadeau HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
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@Trisarahjtops 
@DeanB15 Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
@ItsAndyRyan “We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
@QwertyJones3 FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
@BlairLoudly A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
@ehdannyboy I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
@Smooheed HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
@jonnysun even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
@simoncholland My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
@botandy ‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress