@heidi420x

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

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@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@carlyken

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

@weinerdog4life

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

@Robert_Beau

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

@ReelQuinn

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

@WilliamAder

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

@Tommytoughstuff

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]