Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
This meal prepping shit easy
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Coffee for people with no kids
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”