Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot