@TheAlexNevil

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

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@Darlainky

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

@Norsebysw

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

@AngieDavisHaha

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

@ojedge

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

@AdamOfEarth

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

@JasonNotEvil

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

@heyitsJudeD

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

@IamEveryDayPpl

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

@texasstalkermom

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist