Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree