@Darlainky At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
@TheAlexNevil Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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@Darlainky 
@Norsebysw There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
@Matt_The_1st Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
@AngieDavisHaha “You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
@ojedge DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
@AdamOfEarth [Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
@JasonNotEvil dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
@heyitsJudeD I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
@IamEveryDayPpl Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
@texasstalkermom Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist