Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Sing it!
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war