HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.