Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life