@TheAlexP

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

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@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@AHundredElbows

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

@notalogin

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@_davidlucas_

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

@UncleDuke1969

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

@chelseaanet

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

@pleatedjeans

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees