Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
You Might Also Like
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My five year plan is a meteorite
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.