Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?