Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.


Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*


Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”


“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars


A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”


[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”


One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.


Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.


Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”


Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no