Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
This meal prepping shit easy
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now