@Scottzilla667
@TheNardvark You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
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@TheNardvark 
@xofreckles Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
@kvetchings Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
@egg_dog “google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
@iamchrisscott A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
@noog [sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
@RodLacroix One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
@ShawnGarrett Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
@sixfootcandy Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
@LloBrow Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no