HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break