Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.