her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”