Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?