HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards