Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
accurate
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
one last job
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest