Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.