Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST