Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

And just like that, civilisation reached its limits

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.

Bad news: I’m not wearing them.

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal