HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
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Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
So inspired right now.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
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Try and stop me.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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*it pauses to buffer
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
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