Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.