Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.