Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers