her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
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me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
🙀🙀🙀😹
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
when you are just born a rebel
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.