her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet