HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?