Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye