Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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You鈥檇 think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that鈥檚 your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
client: i鈥檓 nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I couldn鈥檛 be a magician. I鈥檇 never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I鈥檓 gonna put this in a safe place…
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son鈥檚 iPad for 10 minutes.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槅馃槅馃槅馃馃馃槀馃槀
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FL脛RDFULL and 脰DMJUK on their play date.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey