Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
#math
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.