Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners