HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
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Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser