Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.