@AndrewsNotFunny

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

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@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@Mike_Bianchi

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

@merican_ninjy

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@jaden

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

@OBiiieeee

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

@ACartoonCat

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes

@RidiculousSheri

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.