her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.