HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
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*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Thursday
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank