Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
i’m still crying at this
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.