Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.