Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

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Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-


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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner


[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.