@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

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@Smooheed

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

@MadHatterMommy

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@DVSblast

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

@GroovyTasia

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

@dom_dot_dom

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

@brendohare

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

@English_Channel

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.