Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
#parenting
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
be careful
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one