Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.