Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
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Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
absolutely not
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.