Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
“TGIM!” – My liver