HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea