Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.