Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”


Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.


My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.



Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.


Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”


They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.


They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.


Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.


I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.


So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider