Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.