Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’