Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

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I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?


Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.


My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.


I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog


If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.


In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .


My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.


I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.


What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?