HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Any refunds available?…
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
put ‘er there pardner!
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.