Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Become ungovernable.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.