HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
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Sing it!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?