her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.