Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
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Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Sooo many times…..
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
my proudest tweet
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.