HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
i meant to share this earlier
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out